2004-09-27 - 11:17 a.m.
Ocean Girl/Prairie Girl:
Sometimes I go weeks without remembering I live close to the sea. Then on mornings like this morning I wake up to the sound of foghorns from ships coming into the Chesapeake Bay and I walk outside and am assaulted with the dank, salty sea air. I still love the ocean. Although, the fascination with living by it has worn off a little I must admit. I used to think I would be able to live RIGHT by the ocean, on the beach. I was young and naïve then. Now I know that isn’t a possibility and I don’t want to live with the ocean at my back door anyway. The price of the real estate is WAY too high and if you can afford that, good luck finding and then affording insurance. There’s good reason the insurance is high of course, as evidenced by the recent happenings in Florida and elsewhere. That horrid monster known as the hurricane definitely has a way of putting a damper on the thrill of living Oceanside.
I guess I’m growing up, getting realistic, and leaving some of my earlier dreams behind. That’s totally okay too. If I hadn’t moved to the ocean I may still be holding onto that dream, unrealistic as it is. I may be okay to move away from the ocean at some point too, now that I’ve lived here. I mean I always saw myself as an ocean girl and being trapped in the Midwest, landlocked, seemed a cruel joke of my upbringing. But now? I miss all the open fields and prairies. Landlocked oceans of grass and corn and soybeans and wheat. I guess we always want what we don’t currently have...just a little. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate where I am and what I have though, I really do. Maybe I want it all. There’s nothing wrong with that is there?
I think I’ll always be a bit of an ocean girl no matter where I live, just as I am still a bit of a prairie girl. Maybe one day, I’ll have desert girl and mountain girl in me too. I have to gather all my pieces.
I want both jobs too. I still haven’t heard from the potential new one, but if they do want me I have a VERY hard decision. I want the comfort, size, SOME work, and people from my current job, coupled with the excitement, stability, new interesting work, growth, and probably money from the potential job. I think whatever I decide will be a good decision and that there isn’t necessarily a right decision. My biggest fear of leaving here is leaving the comfort and the people and my biggest fear of not leaving here is getting laid off and never getting another raise (haven’t had one for well over a year). My biggest fear of the new company is the fear of the unknown (will I like it, like the people, like the new work? etc) and my biggest fear of not going is the fear of not expanding myself artistically and missing my chance at something better and more stable. OF course, I still don’t know if I even GOT the job so I am really trying to not overthink it until I know.
I am thinking of, and signs are pointing to, expanding my horizons. The graphics I do here really have me in a niche and the graphics I would do there would really expand my marketability. Having broad marketability is good. If I hate it there I wouldn’t have to stay...and I don’t think I would hate it there anyway. I’ve gotten nothing but good vibes except for this whole keeping-me-in-the-dark-all-week thing that they are doing. But maybe that has a purpose too, it has allowed me plenty of thinking time.
I was really able to examine my feelings this weekend and I made some Pro/Con lists and I found that I want to stay here for nostalgic and comfort-zone reasons...not that those are BAD reasons, they aren’t and they may still keep me here, but those are my 2 biggest reasons. If it wasn’t for the instability of this place my decision would be easy, I would stay...no doubts. In fact I probably wouldn’t have even sent my resume to this other place when the opportunity fell in my lap. But the hard, cold facts are: MyWorkplace has an operation in India and that operation has 10 or more graphic artists and 75% of the work we used to do HERE has gone THERE. That is a fact I despise but it is truth. The other hard truth is that 5 of those artists’ salaries put together probably equal one of mine.
So, I wait to find out what fate is throwing my way. I may have a decision to make, I may not. Either way I feel (at least today, at this moment) that the Universe is taking care of me in the way that I am supposed to be taken care of. Any way you look at it, it could be interesting.
Even with all the limbo states we are in I had a fantastic Saturday. The weather was divinely sunny and in the low 70’s with little humidity. I had the day to myself except for a brief visit from a work friend. I accomplished much cleaning and sorting. The work friend adored our house, complimented me on my sense of color, knew exactly what I was going for, design-wise, in each area of the house, and fell in love with the dogs. I sketched in my newly cleaned and organized studio, I did laundry and the fresh, yummy smell of it enveloped the house, I napped with the napdogs by the open windows, and my neighbor brought me freshly brewed sun tea. A very satisfying day.
Sunday was busier, with a birthday call to Mom, and a shopping trip with Martial Arts Wife that lasted almost all day. Then I ate a delicious dinner of corned beef, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, and apple pie at their house. Weekends just don’t last like they used to.
Here I am, doing tedious French graphics and looking forward to a lunch of Pad Thai. Tonight we should start feeling the effects of Jeanne and I am nervous about our flooding situation. I need to buy some sandbags today. There’s always something to do.
Merry Monday to you.
